Thursday, September 15, 2005

Today marks the 1st week that has past since my last post, and also, the 1st week of my dad death.
I try to tell myself to smile more, be strong, but always behind this false fronts, I just cant stop thinking of my dad now and then. Suddenly, I am missing his presence, his physical form. His snorings usually made the house 'lively' and made it look alive. But now, theres just a dead sense of presence in the house, one person missing, one person gone.
When he was alive, the house was always arranged and commanded by him, theres always someone whom I can rely on strongly.Someone I can look up to when I grow older, someone who can tell my kids next time about stories of his hay day. But now, its just not possible. It seems deja vu but my grandpa died around this age too and too he didnt live to tell the story. But he was different, I heard he wasnt a good person, neither a good dad.
But my dad ? He's a good man, always putting others in front of himself. Why does his live was so short live.
I cant seem to think whether I am now missing my dad truely or just missing the reliance I had on him over the years but one thing is for sure, its too sudden that I lost a father, someone who bought me up for 19 years.
Life has been short and fragile for all, so be it in terms of your loved ones or your parents whom raised you, the scoldings and praise for you over the years wasnt there just for fun neither was it there to make you hate them, it was there to tell you they do care about you and they care for what you do.
So before you go ranting around that; " hey my folks at home suck, they controls everything"
think bout the times they took to raise you, the time it took you to walk and talk and have a sense of mind.

I was never succesful in telling my loved ones that I do really love them. It was this "pride" thing that denies from telling "I love you" Be it in telling my dad, it was always through the kiss on cheek or the chats we have over dinners that we catch up when i started grew old.
In terms of girls, I never took the chance well everytime, thinking I wasnt up to their standards and thus keep delaying on telling them that I liked them and would like them to be my partner.
This things has been kept within myself for so long and just cant seem to understand why things has to be pulled back everytime I tried to say something from my heart. Maybe it wasn't, it was just a rush for something, a rush for new thrills.

I'll just end here, and I'll say if I could I exchange anything now for a chance to see my dad just once more, I'll do so. Cause its easy to love someone and never easy to cope when you lose them. Because life is short and time will not stop to let you regret and ponder on slowly. You got to get through it fast and get through the time before somethings regretful catches up and you live to regret it forever. =)

"life is short, life is beautiful , but when a life ends, its never easy to cope " yong yeow....